The Limits of Outsourcing

We’re familiar with the scene in Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer where Tom is given the task of painting the picket fence.  A boy comes by, says he’s off to go swimming.  Too bad Tom has to work.  Tom says, if you call this work.  And starts talking about how much fun it is and yet how not everyone has what it takes to paint it in a way that would satisfy Aunt Polly.

Before long, the boy starts painting, Tom starts to watch. 

Here’s the way Mark Twain describes the action:

And while the [boy who had pretended he was] late steamer Big Missouri worked and sweated in the sun, the retired artist sat on a barrel in the shade close by, dangled his legs, munched his apple, and planned the slaughter of more innocents. There was no lack of material; boys happened along every little while; they came to jeer, but remained to whitewash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Sawyer didn’t invent outsourcing, but he took it to new level.

I want to talk about outsourcing – its benefits, but mostly its limitations.

Its no secret that we outsource a lot – perhaps we outsource our gardening, our financial investments, getting our children into college.

Last Sunday, the Times featured an article about the proliferation of outsourcing and how we are extending it to include our emotional lives.

The article was called “The Outsourced Life” and its author, a professor emeritus of sociology at Berkeley, described the growth of industry that includes life-coaching, dating help and care for elderly loved ones.

Dating coaches disapprove of face-to-face dating as “dating in the wild.” 

An administrative assistant quoted in the article said that his boss focuses on being efficient and outsources being patient to him. 

At the end of the article, the author wonders if, by outsourcing so much of our emotional lives, we’re creating the kind of society that we really want.

I’ll cast my vote.  Efficiency is good, and advice can be helpful.  But for matters of life and death, heart and soul, we ultimately need to take the reins ourselves.

I’d like to focus on three areas where outsourcing is problematic to say the least.

A few weeks ago, we celebrated Israel’s 64^th anniversary and a few weeks from today we will march up fifth avenue as part of the Celebrate Israel parade. 

In a major speech given to the Rabbinical Assembly gathering in Atlanta, Vice President Joe Biden focused on the US relationship to the State of Israel.  Not surprisingly, he emphasized the increased military aid that the US has given Israel under the Obama administration and then he said that, notwithstanding the support that the United States gives, the world needs to understand that Israel cannot outsource her self-defense.  In other words, Israel needs to be allowed to defend herself as she sees fit and not be criticized for taking the same defensive measures that any other country would take in similar situations.

A nation can receive support from other nations, but ultimately has to worry about its own security and progress.  Outsourcing does not apply to basic existential realities.  A nation needs to take responsibility for itself and the world needs to understand that. 

I want to turn our attention for a moment to the challenges that parents face.  As a congregation, we have offered a number of programs aimed at helping parents to raise children most effectively.

We have one coming up in June, focusing on issues faced by parents of teens and young adults, including dating issues and matters around emerging Jewish observance and identity. 

These sessions are valuable in that they allow parents, educators and clergy to talk with one another about issues of shared concern.

There’s enormous value in turning to experts in these areas and seeking short or long-term counseling as needed.  I’m a huge believer in counseling – it’s not a weakness to seek it and is often a sign of strength. 

But no conversation, no discussion, no counseling session can obviate one important and undeniable reality and that is that a parent cannot outsource being a parent.

Limits and love, boundaries and hugs, need to come from mom and dad.  They don’t have to come only from mom and dad, but mom and dad can’t be on the sidelines.

Huge amounts have been written about the proper balance of parental involvement. This week’s Time Magazine had an article on attachment parenting, the philosophy that parents should be extremely connected to their children even at the expense of pursuing outside relationships and interests.

I want to suggest, based on my own observation, that sometimes parents engage when they should back off and back off when they should engage.

Depending upon the age of the child, perhaps, things like hair may not call for deep engagement.  But when it comes to religion, romance, ethical decision-making – we can seek guidance, we can encourage our children to glean insights from others – but we cannot completely outsource the conversations.  V’higad’ta l’vincha – the imperative that we speak with our children, applies to the central, life-animating issues and I do believe, though it often doesn’t appear that way, that most children ultimately want conversation and connection around the deepest issues to come from mom an dad.

The third area in which outsourcing is, frankly a copout, is our own spiritual and religions growth.  Yes, you can turn to rabbis for suggestions – sometimes, they have worthwhile things to say!  Yes, you can get a feel from others in a community to see how you might fit in.

But when the torah says ki karov eilecha hadavar me’od – this thing is close to you – I believe we’re being encouraged to take charge of our own souls.

And we need to understand that early on.

As I’ve mentioned, the clergy and educators in our congregation meet weekly with our religious school students to engage in prayer, in t’filah.

I’ve had the pleasure of working with the third and fourth graders and it’s been amazing.

I asked them the following.  If you could ask God one question and God would answer it, what question would you ask?

A few of the questions:  is there alien life in some parallel universe?  Is anything very sad going to happen to me?  Are you a boy or a girl?

Each time we pray, I ask the boys and girls to put on a tallit.  The first week, all the boys and most of the girls took one. 

The second week, all but 2 of the boys and none of the girls took one.  That went on for a few more sessions.  Then, at the end of our most recent session, I basically said the following:

 “I’m not going to force anyone to wear a tallit.  But I want you each to think about whether you want to wear it or not; don’t think so much about if your friend is wearing one. Think about what you want to do, and we’re all going to work hard to respect each other no matter what we choose.”

Encouraging the questions and encouraging the choice were deliberate on my part.  I want these 8 and 9 year olds to start to take responsibility for their inner lives and their connection to Judaism. 

We teach, we encourage, but these children need to understand at an early age that being Jewish can’t be outsourced.

We all need to understand that at every age. Schools can and must teach well, synagogues can and must engage in compelling ways.

But each of us has to take responsibility for our own choices, our own learning, our own observance.

It will look different for each of us, and that’s OK.

This morning’s Torah reading begins with instructions for the Kohen, the priest, in fact the entire book of Leviticus is called, in rabbinic tradition, Torat Kohanim, the manual for the priests. 

But even in the ancient context, the Kohan does not grant atonement or forgiveness – God does, to each individual.

And the latter part of this morning’s reading speaks of the festivals which belonged to everyone, as they do today.

The Talmud centuries ago encouraged each of us to be educated consumers – asei oz’necha ka’afarkeset – make your ear like a hopper, which sifts the grain.  Take responsibility, we were told, for understanding the range and depth of the tradition.

A nation can’t outsource its security and identity.

Even when it’s erev mother’s day, a mom can’t outsource motherhood and a dad can’t outsource fatherhood.

And none of us can outsource our souls.

Ki k’rovim eleinu had’varim ha’eile – these things, the things that matter most, are close to us.  No one can take away the responsibility or the pleasure.

And if you ask me, that’s the way it should be.