Fathers Can't Flake Out

In the aftermath of the Orlando shootings, there is much that needs to be said and done.  Among other things, I want to affirm my own belief, as a father, as a Jew, as a rabbi, that the sexual orientations and gender identities of our children and grandchildren and nieces and nephews have no bearing on the unassailable, bedrock truth that they, we, all of us, are all human beings equally valuable, equally endowed with a divine spark.

I will go further and say that as a rabbi, in the context of the recent rulings of the Conservative movement and the United States Supreme court, I will do my best to be present to help sanctify the marriages of all Jewish couples, regardless of their genders, who ask me to participate.  Moreover, although as a Conservative rabbi I do not officiate at interfaith weddings, I will do whatever I can to help welcome interfaith couples into our community, regardless of their genders, and to encourage them to bring Jewish tradition into their lives and their homes.  

Now I want to move away from the rabbi piece and talk a bit about being a father. I want to talk to all the fathers who are here, since today is technically “Erev Father’s Day.”

Fathers can’t shirk the obligations of being a father.  We can’t use work as an excuse, we can’t use exhaustion as an excuse, we can’t use confusion as an excuse, we can’t use fear as an excuse, we can’t use “mom will take care of it” as an excuse, even if mom takes care of a whole lot.

When Confusion Is a Sin

I planned this message before the Orlando shootings occurred.  They occurred the day before I delivered the message and proved tragically relevant to the theme.  I referred to the shootings briefly in the moment and I'm including a paragraph which I subsequently added (along with the photo) to reflect what I said.  

We’re months away from the high holidays but I want to start with a reference to Yom Kippur.  On Yom Kippur we confess to a whole bunch of sins – most of them make complete sense.  One in particular, I always found curious. 

על חטא שחטאנו לפניך בתמהון לבב Al het shehatanu lefanekha b’tim’hon levav.  We confess for the sin which we committed through confusion of mind.

What’s so wrong with being confused? 

God knows, there are many situations that are legitimately confusing, where we are considering competing needs, or weighing competing values.  In such situations we may do well to admit to some confusion, even ambivalence.

But there are situations that are so clear that a response of confusion of mind, tim’hon levav, is a sin.  Situations where anything other than a clear, unequivocal response is a travesty.

I’m going to discuss some unpleasant but important topics this morning that illustrate the sin of tim’hon levav with reference to Shavuot and these upcoming moments of Yizkor.

A Lesson from Harambe: The Issues are Usually Bigger Than We Think

A 17-year old gorilla named Harambe was killed in a zoo in Cincinnati because it was felt that he posed a danger to a little boy.  The boy had climbed over a pretty short wall and fallen a considerable distance into the area where the gorilla lived.   

The mother of the boy, who had lost sight of him temporarily after he said "I want to swim with the gorilla," was quite scared as you might imagine when she saw the gorilla scooping the child up and carrying him a bit.  It's all on video which you can watch, if you haven't seen it yet.  The mother called 911 and the zoo officials made a quick decision to shoot the animal dead. 

Reactions ran the gamut.  People said the mother was at fault for not supervising her child more carefully.  People said the zoo was at fault for not having a high enough barrier or that they were at fault for deciding to kill the animal, rather than stun the animal. 

On Wednesday, one of our sons texted his brother and me that they would try to use the story of the gorilla to help me write my sermon.  What followed was a brief back and forth of collaboration and I present the fruits of that collaboration as tribute to Harambe, a magnificent animal whose name means "pulling together" in Swahili.   

The incident at the Cincinnati zoo suggested to us that people are quick to place blame for specific situations, but not so willing to step back and ask the larger questions about what allows such situations to happen.