A
long, long time ago, back in the day, before GPS, before Google maps and Waves,
when people would get in a car and drive from one place to the other, they
would listen to traffic reports and decide what roads to take based on hearsay
and reasonably blind faith.
De
and I would set out in our car from Long Island and head to NJ to visit my
parents with our children joyfully coexisting in the back seat. And as we were driving north on the
Cross Island, the inevitable question would be raised.
Do
we take the Throgs Neck to the Cross Bronx or the Triborough to the Harlem
River Drive?
I
would pose the question to De and, over time, she learned not to answer. Because if she answered and then we got
stuck in traffic, while I didn’t mean to blame her, my affect and tone of voice
would suggest otherwise.
I
want to spend some time reflecting on how we make decisions. Indeed it is easier now than it was 15
years ago to figure out what roads to take from point A to point B in the
literal realm, but metaphorically it’s another story.
Many
of the decisions we are called upon to make, large and small, economic and
emotional, remain quite challenging.
Do
we pursue this career or that career?
Do we take the job offer at the startup company or the established
company?
Do
we join this synagogue or that synagogue or no synagogue at all?
Do
we commit to the person we’re dating or not?
Do
we seek this treatment or that treatment for a particular illness?
Of
course, we can look to precedent, we can mine our faith traditions for
guidance, we can consult a family member or a friend.
But
ultimately, in most cases, we realize that these decisions are up to us,
whether they affect us alone or impact others, as well.
Last
week, the Times featured an article by an economics professor at University
College London called, “Why We Make Bad Decisions.”
She
wrote about how stress and anxiety impact our decision-making, using her own
situation to illustrate her points.
It
seems that she came down with a condition that initially defied diagnosis, a
condition that caused her to lose 30 pounds in a short period of time and,
periodically, to experience intense pain.
Faced
with a range of expert advice regarding course of action that included lumbar
injections and antidepressants, she found herself having to evaluate her
options in a state of anxiety and stress.
Here
are a few things she learned. Stress
makes people lose patience and often leads to rash decisions. Anxiety makes people deferential,
afraid to challenge experts who, the author discovered, are not always right.
Moreover,
many people are innately optimistic about their own lives and that can
sometimes cloud judgment as well.
For example, research has demonstrated that many people continue to
smoke because they believe on some level that statistics about potential
negative outcomes of smoking will not apply to them.
She
urges that we be aware of what we are feeling so that we can do our best to identify
if our judgment is being clouded.
She
concludes by writing, “With brain switched on and eyes wide open, we can’t
always guarantee a positive outcome when it comes to a medical decision, but we
can at least stack the odds in our favor.” (“Why We Make Bad Decisions, NY
Times, October 19, 2013, Noreena Hertz).
In
the end, by the way, she got an accurate diagnosis and decided to be operated
on by a surgeon who did not seem too confident, since she researched that such
a person would likely produce the best outcome.
I’m
sure that all of us here who have navigated medical decisions for ourselves and
for loved ones can recognize many of the issues that the author raises.
Of course each topic is different and may call for a slightly different approach. But I want to suggest, based on this
article, and based on what our Biblical tradition teaches us, that tough
decisions call for two things – focus and faith.
Focus
– thinking carefully about something, weighing our thoughts and our feelings,
determining what our priorities are.
And
faith. Understanding that the
ultimate outcome, in most situations, is beyond our complete control. Giving space for life to take its
course with all of our forethought and planning.
Generations
ago, father Abraham was worried about finding the right life-partner for his
son, Isaac.
He said
to his servant, promise me that you will go to my homeland to find a wife for
Isaac. And the servant said, but
what if she doesn’t want to come back with me?
And
Abraham said, if that happens, then you will be free from your promise.
This
is actually one of the longest stories in the Torah – filled with repetition
and embellishment. Abraham is
asked to sacrifice Isaac – the whole story – 19 verses. Finding Isaac a wife – 62 verses. 3 times the length!
It’s
a great story. The servant
journeys with 10 camels and all of his master’s bounty to the family’s hometown. He says, I’m paraphrasing: Dear
God. Deal well with me and deal
well with my master Abraham. I’m
standing at the local watering hole.
Give me a sign. When I ask
a woman who comes to the spring to feed her flock if she can give me some water
to drink – the woman who says, "Here’s water for you. And I’ll also bring water for your camels!” THAT woman is the right one for Isaac.
Was
this just an arbitrary test? Not
according to the commentator, Rashi, who wrote that this demonstrated that Rebecca practiced
acts of kindness and was worthy of entering into Abraham’s house.
The
servant had forethought. He
considered carefully what he was looking for, just as Abraham had done by
insisting that the servant go to the family’s hometown.
Just
after the servant makes his statement, Rebecca comes forward. She’s related and she fulfills the
requirements by offering water for the servant and the camels.
And
ultimately, she agrees to go, partly a function of her own interest and her
brother’s greed, but never mind.
And ultimately, she meets Isaac, and we are told he married her and
loved her.
Of
course, as the old expression has it, “when things work out, you’re a genius.” But it’s clear to me that Abraham and his
servant had focus and faith.
As
the author of the NY Times article might put it, they stacked the odds in their
favor.
I
actually think that the balance between focus and faith is harder to achieve
than we might imagine.
We
could probably identify situations where we left too much to chance and
situations where we probably should have relaxed a bit more than we did.
We
can only study so much for a test, or spend so much time on a paper or a project,
and then we have to take the test or hand in the paper or present the project.
We
can only spend so much time calculating and advocating for a college acceptance
or a career move and then we need to make room for factors beyond our
control.
We
can only spend so much energy identifying the ideal qualities of prince or
princess charming before we let fate and pheromones do their part.
But
the absence of study, calculation and energy – faith without focus - would be
foolish.
And
once the dust settles from our focus and our faith, from the decisions we make
and the realities that crystallize around those decisions, we likely have to
consider the next issue, as did Isaac when he turned to Rebecca and said –
sweetheart, what’s it going to be, Cross Bronx or Harlem River Drive?
Originally delivered at Temple Israel of Great Neck, October 26, 2013
Originally delivered at Temple Israel of Great Neck, October 26, 2013
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