The Power of Expectation

Ellen Langer was a young psychology professor at Harvard in 1981 when she conducted an experiment that would become highly influential in her field.

Professor Ellen Langer, Harvard University

She took two groups of men in their 70’s and 80’s to a rustic hotel.  The first group was told that they were going to spend a few days reminiscing about the 1950’s, which they did – they talked, they laughed, they remembered.

The second group, which came a week later, was told to spend a few days inhabiting the 1950’s – in other words, to actually relive life as their younger selves.  This was accomplished in concrete ways.  For example, the second group, unlike the first, was told to bring their own luggage to their rooms rather than have porters take it. 

Both groups were measured for physical and cognitive function before and after their stay at the hotel.

There was a noticeable difference between the two groups at the end of their respective stays.  The group that inhabited their earlier lives were significantly more energetic and capable than the other group.  They were more boisterous and more lively.  

While waiting for the bus following their stay, they broke out into a game of touch football which they said they hadn’t played in years.

Ellen Langer’s experiment, shared recently with a group of clergy by Dr. David Pelcovitz of Yeshiva University, demonstrated, more dramatically than she even imagined, the power of expectation.  The men who were expected to act youthfully quickly came to expect that of themselves.  They didn’t fully regain the dynamism of their youth but they were far more agile than they had been and more agile than those in the other group.

In our concern for not overwhelming people, for allowing people latitude and freedom, for not imposing on people, we may be going overboard by failing to hold, and to convey, sufficiently high expectations.

I'd like to unpack the dynamics of expectations, starting with the Torah and then encouraging us to consider how high expectations, appropriately conveyed, can have a positive impact on others, as well as on ourselves.

The analogy is far from perfect, but suppose we regard Esau and Jacob as variables for an experiment in parenting.  One son, Esau, is told, you’re a good hunter but your brother will rule over you.  The other, Jacob, is blessed with abundance, יתן לך אלוהים מטל השמים ומשמני הארץ  yiten lecha elohim mital hashamayim umishmanei ha’aretz.  May God give you of the dew of heaven and the fat of the earth.  Jacob is also told to use deception in order to achieve his goals. 

It’s a story, to be sure, and it’s always complicated to separate out nature and nuture, but you can’t help wondering the extent to which the expectations that were set – for better and worse, for extraordinary and for mediocre, impacted the thinking and the behavior of each child.

Esau will live a straight-forward life with few surprises.  Jacob is launched on a roller-coaster of dreams, deceit and struggle.  His lows are quite low, but he will become Yisrael, the progenitor of the children of Israel and in some ways the pivotal figure in the entire story.

Before Isaac blesses him he says, ראה ריח בני כריח השדה re’ei reah b’nee k’reah hasadeh.  My son smells like the field.  A midrash teaches that Isaac had a vision of the garden of Eden.  There was something about the blessing that was primal, that took him back to the beginning of time. 

We can be saddled with unrealistic expectations.  We can be confused by inconsistent expectations.  But the expectations that others have of us, spoken directly or conveyed indirectly, have an impact.

I remember what my rabbi said to me on my bar mitzvah day.  I remember what my father said to me when I was ready to commit to Deanna. 

I also remember the disappointed looks I got when I acted in ways that either or both of my parents thought were not worthy of me.

And overall, notwithstanding sometimes feeling a little overwhelmed by expectations coming from various directions, and sometimes feeling that the expectations are unrealistic or misguided, I think that I’ve benefited from them and I’ve tried over the years to set my own course, to incorporate elements of the expectations of others into the narrative of what I expect from myself.

I suspect that’s true of all of us.  The occasional cacophony of expectation that we hear from family and friends becomes a soundtrack that we can live with and live by.

We know that children benefit from adults who have realistic but high expectations. 

We know that institutions benefit from high expectations that emerge from various stakeholders. 

The Chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary spoke on Thursday as over a dozen accomplished Jewish Educators, including our own Bracha Werber, were honored for a lifetime of achievement in Jewish education.

He said that although the Conservative movement has recently become the object of numerous negative assessments, the assessments are largely unfounded.  Moreover, he urged us to aim high as we educate adults and children alike – to seek to educate Jewish human beings.  Meaning – to instill a dynamic interplay between Judaism and humanity, to demonstrate how Jewish knowledge and Jewish observance can enhance a person’s life.

It affirmed my vision that this congregation be a place where everyone is welcomed to discover the power of Judaism to enhance our lives and bring blessing to the world.

That’s a high expectation.  That’s not just about teaching a child to read the words of the stories of Genesis, it’s about teaching children and adults to understand how the stories of Genesis can inspire mindful and soulful living.

A group of men who were told that they were expected to be more youthful than they had been for 30 years somehow managed to become more playful and less encumbered for those five or so days that they spent in the hotel together. 

How much more vibrant, energetic, accomplished, directed could we be if we felt the ongoing, well-meaning expectations of others and could somehow internalize them?

This past Thursday night, several of the grandchildren of Ruhollah Hay spoke about the impact their grandfather had on them.  A recurring theme was that he helped them to realize how much they could accomplish if they set their minds and hearts to it. 

Expectations need not paralyze, they can energize.  Especially if they are expressed as a blessing.

We should say to one another a riff on what Isaac said to Jacob – may you, with God’s blessing, have the opportunity and the capacity to discover the best that heaven and earth have to offer.  

And then whoever wants can play touch football.

Originally delivered at Temple Israel of Great Neck on November 14, 2015