Fathers Can't Flake Out

In the aftermath of the Orlando shootings, there is much that needs to be said and done.  Among other things, I want to affirm my own belief, as a father, as a Jew, as a rabbi, that the sexual orientations and gender identities of our children and grandchildren and nieces and nephews have no bearing on the unassailable, bedrock truth that they, we, all of us, are all human beings equally valuable, equally endowed with a divine spark.

I will go further and say that as a rabbi, in the context of the recent rulings of the Conservative movement and the United States Supreme court, I will do my best to be present to help sanctify the marriages of all Jewish couples, regardless of their genders, who ask me to participate.  Moreover, although as a Conservative rabbi I do not officiate at interfaith weddings, I will do whatever I can to help welcome interfaith couples into our community, regardless of their genders, and to encourage them to bring Jewish tradition into their lives and their homes.  

Now I want to move away from the rabbi piece and talk a bit about being a father. I want to talk to all the fathers who are here, since today is technically “Erev Father’s Day.”

Fathers can’t shirk the obligations of being a father.  We can’t use work as an excuse, we can’t use exhaustion as an excuse, we can’t use confusion as an excuse, we can’t use fear as an excuse, we can’t use “mom will take care of it” as an excuse, even if mom takes care of a whole lot.

With enormous respect for the obligations, the responsibilities, and the influence that mothers have, which are basically the same as what I’m about to discuss, I want to address some comments specifically to fathers this morning, and that includes me.

Fathers have obligations.

First.  We have an obligation to love our children unconditionally and to express that love.  כרחם אב על בנים K’rahem av al banim – on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we ask God to love us as a father loves his children.   Many people associate unconditional love with moms more than dads.  Mom loves me no matter what, with dad I kind of have to prove myself.  Unconditional love is the medium for healthy growth and self-esteem and it should come from fathers as well as mothers.

What do we do to make sure, as fathers, that our children understand that we love them no matter what? No matter their grades, no matter their professional choices or accomplishments, no matter who they love, no matter if they make good choices or splendidly poor choices. 

Not for me to tell anyone what to say to your children or how much to hug them or whatever, but I will say for myself – I have never regretted any verbal or physical expression of love I have offered my children; I have surely regretted times when I have failed to declare or show love.

Dads – think about what you say and do to demonstrate how clearly and unconditionally you love your children.  If you don’t like your current behavior, do what you need to, to auto-correct.

Second.  We have an obligation to have important conversations with our children, even if they are difficult.  ושננתם לבניך ודברת בם Veshinantam l’vanekha ve’dibarta bam.  To teach our children, to speak with them. 

An important example that I discussed last week, but it can’t be said enough:

In the aftermath of the Stanford rape case, where a father wrote a nauseating letter to a judge defending his son and asking for leniency, it can’t be said enough that fathers need to talk especially to their sons about what it means to treat women as human beings.  A combination of the father actually treating women as human beings to set an example and also naming certain things, speaking about the humanity of a relationship, about body and soul, about self-awareness and self-control.

And there are conversations about failure, about loneliness, about what to do when things don’t go right.  If we are so concerned about soldiering on as perfect providers, we may forget how important it is for our children to understand how very imperfect and human we are.

We can’t outsource all of this.  Our children need to hear from us.

Dads – think about the issues you’re avoiding with your children and what you might do, at an appropriate time, to make a space for these issues to be addressed.

Finally.  We have an obligation to give our children a tour of the world – not literally, though that would be nice.  But to act, in age appropriate ways, as tour-guides.  The Jewish term is מורה דרך Moreh derech.  To help our children, throughout their lives, to make sense of the world – to understand how to relate, how to establish themselves, how to care for others.  That includes independence, but also responsibility to others; skepticism but also idealism. 

Dads – we make good tour guides, even if our children – when they are younger or older – don’t always appear to be listening.  Let’s consider, let’s consult with each other, as to what we can do to be the best tour guides possible for each of our children.

Hopefully, dads have ample support from their co-parents and from family and friends.  But none of that obviates the need for fathers to consider the profound obligations they have vis a vis their children, throughout their children’s lives.

I want to leave everyone here who has a relationship with a child with a practical suggestion.  That’s mothers and fathers, uncles and aunts, and concerned and loving friends.

This morning, in the context of reading about jealous husbands, ascetic vows, and the gifts of princes, we read in the Torah about how God commanded Aaron and his sons to offer one of the essential blessings of our people:

יברכך ה׳ וישמרך Yevarekhekha adonai veyishme’rekha – may God bless you and keep you, may God shine light upon you and be gracious to you, May God look at you with favor and grant you peace. (Numbers 8:24-27)

There is a long-standing, wide-spread tradition of offering that blessing to children on Friday night at the Shabbat table.  If you already give your child a blessing each week, by all means continue; if not, I want to ask you to consider making this part of your weekly ritual.  It can be around the Shabbat table, but it doesn’t have to be. 

And in addition to offering the traditional blessing, feel free to share one specific expression of your love, or one thought about life, or whatever – up to you.

At the end of a horrible week, in a world plagued by hatred and violence – we understand more than ever that our children – all of our children – need to feel loved and blessed and guided by us.  Fathers and mothers, uncles and aunts – we are the lovers, we are the bless-ers, we are the guides.  

Originally shared at Temple Israel of Great Neck on June 18, 2016, Parashat Naso, "Erev Father's Day"