Are We Trying Hard Enough? The Essential Yom Kippur Question

The morning back in high school that I took the SAT’s, I packed my number 2 pencils and was about to leave the house when my mother said to me, “Remember.  All you can do is the best you can do.”

She said that to me numerous times as I was growing up.  Before tests.  Before I went onstage to act in a show.  On my wedding day…

All you can do is the best you can do.

Sometimes the comment made me more nervous.  Though overall it was a helpful thing to hear and I think my mother said it because she wanted me to understand that the most important measure of my success was the knowledge that I’d done my best.

However, with enormous respect for my mother, may she rest in peace, I’m going to begin my comments by modifying hers a bit and encouraging us to evaluate ourselves using what I believe is a more effective measure.

Truth is, not every situation calls for “the best we can do.” 

When our kids were growing up and we would get dinner ready, we realized it didn’t have to be our best.  It just had to be reasonably nutritious and something they would eat. We knew we could do “better,” but with all of the other competing priorities we chose not to.  We didn’t aspire to be Wolfgang Puck while we were making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for their school lunches. 

When we cleaned up at the end of the day we realized we didn’t have to do our best.  We just had to make sure it was neat enough and we determined what neat enough was.

On arguably the holiest day of the year, when we’re supposed to take a look at ourselves, and a look at the world, and ask appropriate self-reflective questions about how we relate to the world, I propose the following question that we can ask today, and all year long, about different situations.

Are we trying hard enough? 

In each realm of our lives, the mundane and the unusual, the individual and the societal, are we trying hard enough?

Though the answer to this question may vary from person to person, I want to offer a framework and some guidance.

When it comes to how we keep house, or make meals, I’m going to say that we should figure out what works for us and then say, we’re trying hard enough.  Once when our children were little, one of our parents, I honestly don’t remember who, walked into our house and made a comment about a pile of papers here or there and I said something like, “Would you like to see an immaculate house or well-cared for grandchildren?  It’s not going to be both.”

I’m not going to devote much time to this realm.  Regarding all the things in our lives that are non-essential, I hope that we can say “we are trying hard enough.”  Not our best, we freely admit, but enough given limited energy and resources.  Because we have to save our energy for the things that are essential.

To which I will now turn my attention.  I now want to reflect on situations that call for our best and usually, in my experience, we give them our best.  But we just evaluate ourselves too harshly, especially when the situations are beyond our ultimate control.

I recently had a conversation with a group of people who are helping provide medical support for their aging parents.  One observed that she constantly feels like she’s not doing enough – no matter how much time she spends at the hospital, no matter how much time she spends interfacing with health care professionals, she feels like she isn’t doing enough. 

Another feels inadequate because despite the fact that his parent has an advanced healthcare directive, situations arise during the course of treatment that are more nuanced than what the directive called for and the parent could not be consulted at that point.  So unanticipated situations are occurring and he just doesn’t know what to do.

True, there are people who in these situations are not sufficiently responsive or missing in action altogether, but I tend to observe people who are doing their best in situations that call for their best, and doing their best – doing OUR best – isn’t good enough in the sense that it doesn’t resolve the situation.  Despite doing our best, we often cannot create a positive outcome or even a decent outcome.

This realm – the realm of  “we do our best and still things are lousy” – is a big realm.  And as tempting as it is to blame ourselves, that’s probably not the healthiest course of action.

We may feel this way about medical outcomes we could not change.  We may feel this way about profound challenges that our children face that we cannot fix or even appreciably improve.  We may feel this way about a professional or personal situation that we applied ourselves to assiduously and due to circumstances beyond our control, things didn’t turn out the way we wished.

I hope we can give ourselves the blessing of “I’m trying as hard as I can” when we are juggling more than we can handle, when we cannot acquire all the information we need, when all of our efforts cannot reverse a negative situation.

And then there are areas where we probably should try harder than we’re actually trying. 

Deborah Lipstadt took on the Holocaust denier David Irving in a famous court case held in England 16 years ago that was recently made into a movie.  She was interviewed about the case and asked why it was that Rachel Weisz, the actress playing her, featured her as being so consistently frustrated.

And she explained how she was genuinely frustrated as the case began, and as she tried to adjust to the realities of the British legal system and to the generally more restrained British cultural norms.

Her frustration diminished as she allowed herself to partner fully with the lawyers, who understood the British system and were able to maximize their collective chance of defeating David Irving.

Lipstadt and her legal team tried their hardest, marshaled piles of evidence, “footnotes,” as one of the lawyers called it.  And they won.  Despite the fact that the burden of proof was on Lipstadt, who was defending herself against a lawsuit imposed by Irving, she and her legal team won. 

But I turn to all of us and ask, in certain areas, are WE trying hard enough?

Are we trying hard enough to ensure that a generation that is emerging into adulthood has the tools to respond appropriately to Holocaust Denial?  To unabashed anti-Semitism?  To unjustified, demonizing criticism of Israel?

Again and again I’ve said, and I’ll say it again – we need to pursue “high resolution,” an awareness of detail, not just broad strokes, so that we, and our children, and their children, all generations – can assess what’s being said on social media and on college campuses and in other settings as well – to distinguish between justified and unjustified criticism and to know how to respond to both.

We are not to be expected to have the degree of expertise of Deborah Lipstadt and her legal team, but are we trying hard enough to know enough, and ensure that our loved ones know enough, to be responsible participants in these important conversations and situations?

And the question can be applied to a variety of important issues that help to shape the kind of society that we want ourselves and our loved ones to inhabit.  Today of all days, we should be asking these questions.

Are we trying hard enough to ensure that we, our children and grandchildren, understand and fulfill the Jewish mandate to ensure justice for all people – regardless of religion or race or sexuality or gender?

On Rosh Hashanah I spoke about a Jewish undergraduate at UCLA who is striving to defend herself as a Jew while also defending the rights of others.  I spoke about Elie Wiesel and Shimon Peres – who defend their people and reached out to all people.

Are we trying hard enough to convey, midor l’dor – from one generation to the next – that Judaism demands that we protect ourselves and also reach out to others?   That we defend our rights – to practice freely throughout the globe, to have a Jewish state – and that we defend the rights of others?  That we don’t say thank you to the person who opened the door so we could enter, and then close the door behind us to prevent others from walking in?

Are we trying hard enough to convey, midor l’dor – that a person’s value comes from having been created in God’s image – not from color, not from wealth, not from looks.  How often do we tell children how beautiful and handsome they are and does the ratio of these comments to comments about their kindness and integrity reflect the self-assessment and the priorities that we want them to have?

Are we trying hard enough to convey, midor l’dor – one generation to another – that sexuality should be regarded as a gift that can help to create excitement and intimacy and connection, not as a vehicle for exerting dominance or asserting ego, that “locker room talk” or any other phrase, no matter who uses it, cannot be used to exonerate degradation and assault, accomplished or intended?

Maybe we are trying hard enough, maybe we aren’t.   Maybe we’re each doing better in some areas than others.

But we need to ask ourselves, are we trying hard enough, and if the answer is no, or even not quite, then we have to talk to each other – rabbis and teachers and participants in the life of this community – about how to succeed in these crucial areas. 

In our high school program here we are having these conversations – about how Judaism urges us to live with confidence and responsibility, respect for self and respect for others.  The conversations take place in age appropriate ways before high school and they need to continue long after high school, for children and adults.

And I say to all of us, there’s so much more work us to do to ensure that Temple Israel is a place where everyone feels welcome to experience the power of Judaism to bring blessing to our lives and to our world. We just won a grant to increase accessibility to our sanctuary.  Through the effort of a very dedicated committee, Temple Israel is working to make our facility more and more accessible. 

On Selihot night Cantor Frieder was joined by Cantor Farid Dardashti who brought Sephardi chants and melodies and a choir of teens accompanied both of them using melodies from throughout the Jewish world.  We are working to embrace our diversity more fully.

There’s so much more work for all of us to do to ensure that this is a place where we value and protect ourselves and where we value and protect others.  

So much more work for all of us to do to ensure that what we do here raises up sparks of holiness midor l’dor, from one generation to another that will have an impact far beyond us. 

The Biblical imperative of the day is ועניתם את נפשותיכם v’initem et nafshoteikhem – afflict your souls.  We know the rabbis interpreted that to include not eating our drinking and other forms of abstinence. 

I would like to add an interpretation.  V’initem et nafshoteikhem can mean, challenge your souls.  Ask yourselves, Are we trying hard enough?

We will spend much time this day banging our chests and reciting long lists of sins.

I want to suggest the following.  Take a moment – during those prayers, or whenever, and ask yourself a few questions based on what I’ve shared.

What are the things that don’t require my best performance ‘cause they’re not essential?  Am I giving them too much attention?  Can I lighten up on my performance?

What are the things that require my heart and soul and I’m giving my heart and soul – but still they’re not working out how I’d like because of multiple factors beyond my control that pertain to health and other such circumstances?  Can I lighten up on my self-evaluation?

And lastly – what are the things I know to be important, but I’m not yet trying as hard as I should.  And what can I do, and how can I gain the resources, and with whom can I partner – so I can do these things more effectively.

And now that my sermon is almost over, I imagine my mother saying, “Interesting.  Did you do the best you can do?”

And I say, “Ma – didn’t you hear?  I refined the question to ‘Did you try as hard as you should?’”

And then she says, Interesting.  So – did you do the best you can do?

And my answer is – Mom – little by little, I’m trying.  And we’re trying. 

Hard enough.

To do our best.

Originally delivered at Temple Israel of Great Neck on Yom Kippur 5777