We need each other. That’s my message for the New Year.
A few years ago I was sitting with a group of parents in our religious school and I asked, what qualities do you want to instill in your children? I made a list. The qualities included hard work, honesty, compassion. One quality that rose to the top of the list is independence. Parents unanimously said they want their children to become independent.
Independence is an important quality, obviously.
However. We also understand, when we reflect honestly, that none of us is fully independent. We rely on others all the time, for all kinds of reasons.
Looking back at our tradition, I had trouble finding references to independence. In fact, I’m not sure I could identify a Biblical or rabbinic word that quite conveys the concept. עצמאות atzma’ut, the modern Hebrew word for independence, does not seem to go too far back.
What you do have going way back in our tradition is ערבות areivut, which is interdependence. Areivut is the notion that we are responsible for each other, we need each other. We give and we get.
As a New Year begins, following a year in which we often have felt polarized and pulled apart from one another, I want us to consider several of the ways in which we are interdependent.
Let’s start with the exciting world of romantic dating. I want you to imagine that you’re coming up with a profile for yourself for a dating app.
How does this sound for a profile? I’m so-and-so. I’m not good at keeping track of my finances and I need someone to help with that. I’m not good at matching my outfits and I need someone to tell me, “Don’t leave the house wearing that!” I occasionally suffer from low self-esteem and need someone to help me regain self-confidence. I have family members that are high maintenance and need someone who will be patient with them. I can be cheap and need someone to convince me to splurge from time to time.
You probably wouldn’t say all of that in your profile, instead you would likely talk about all the marvelous qualities you possess and the gifts of heart and soul that you will bring to the other person, and of course that makes sense.
However, in a loving, committed relationship, both people know that they are areivim ze bazeh, that they are interdependent. We know that we need each other. We know that we give and we get.
I wonder - is there a way for us to acknowledge early on, as we get to know each other, not just what we bring, but what we need, without scaring away the other person?
This isn’t just true of romantic partnerships. It’s true of all of our significant relationships. Parents and children dance a dance of interdependence throughout their shared lives.
For most of my mother’s life, she gave and gave to all of us. She was a bundle of giving energy. Toward the end of her life she needed a great deal of care.
I was with her once after she had back surgery. Her body and short-term memory were declining, though she still had longterm memory and her sense of humor. I said, “Mom, I hope the scar that you got from the surgery will heal quickly.” She said, “It will be fine eventually. The scar you gave me when you were born healed after 30 years.”
Why not own that arevut, interdependence, is a part of life? It’s how we are constituted. Lover to lover, parent to child, siblings, friends, we need each other. We give and we get. Sometimes the proportions change - we give more, we get more - but we are fundamentally interdependent.
Moving on. Much has been written about the ideological and political polarization in our country and it is surely an issue within the Jewish community. The right vilifies the left and the left vilifies the right.
We forget sometimes that we are interdependent - and by this, I don’t just mean we have to live with each other. We see each other at the supermarket, we see each other at the kiddush following services. As in, there’s that socialist standing between me and the lox. Or, there’s that fascist standing between me and the lox. How can I get to the lox without having to talk to him or her?
By interdependent, I also mean that we need each other because no group has a monopoly on truth or wisdom and we all benefit if we are in genuine conversation with each other and if we challenge each other thoughtfully, rather than ignoring each other or yelling at each other or simply waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can tell them why we’re right and they’re wrong.
It would help us to challenge one another from the right and the left to find workable, humane economic models and workable, humane approaches to immigration.
Exchanges like this seldom happen on social media, but they can happen in synagogues, where people of different ideological and political perspectives are in the same spaces at the same time.
Just about every Shabbat, I spend time at the kiddush chatting and joking with a group of people some of whose views differ from mine. Generally they hand me a cup of whiskey, they wait for me to drink a little, and then someone says, here’s what I didn’t like about the sermon you gave this morning. I don’t change my views too much, certainly not regarding issues that I believe are ethical imperatives, and they don’t change their views too much, but there have been moments when we have each said to the other, gee you have a point.
I’m not suggesting that we hide or dilute our basic leanings, especially on matters of principle. I don’t hide mine, you shouldn’t hide yours. I am suggesting that we try not to vilify each other and that we be open to the thoughtful challenges that others pose.
Jews should be especially wary of comments or actions that seek to divide us, comments or actions that seek to harm or demean us or anyone else.
Jews also need to understand that antisemitic acts against any of us are an attack against all of us. When Jews were gunned down in a Conservative service in Pittsburgh, it was an affront to the entire Jewish community; same when a Chabad rabbi and his congregants were shot, some killed, in Poway, CA, same when Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox Jews are attacked in Brooklyn. The people doing the attacking believe that a Jew is Jew. Why is that often so hard for us to recognize? We shouldn’t just get upset and respond when “our kind of Jew is attacked,” whatever that even means.
Jews are areivim ze ba zeh - we are interdependent. We need each other and are responsible for each other.
Moving on. We are interdependent with everyone else on this planet. My grandfather left Tiraspol in Russia as a teenager and came to the United States, partly to escape violence, partly to seek opportunity. His story is not so different from the stories of people trying to leave Central America or Asia or the Middle East to escape violence AND seek opportunity. His story, MY story therefore, is interconnected with the stories of all of these people.
When seas rise on the other side of the world, they send ripple effects that impact communities near and far. As seas continue to rise we will have more refugees, not fewer. Knowing our interdependence, our interconnection, how will we treat them? How will we respond to the growing vulnerability that people will experience across the globe?
Where does the Jewish sense of interdependence come from? The Hebrew word for Jew is Yehudi. Which traces back to Yehudah, Judah, the fourth child of Jacob and Leah.
Judah taught us all the lesson of interdependence and he learned it from his daughter-in-law, Tamar.
For the full story see Genesis 38 (better than any soap opera), but here is a summary of the relevant parts:
Judah finishes mourning for his wife, goes to shear his sheep, and meets up with a prostitute who is actually his daughter-in-law, Tamar, in disguise, wanting to sleep with him so that she can have children with him to maintain lineage. Before she agrees to sleep with him, she asks for an ערבון eravon, a pledge. She becomes pregnant with his children (twins). Later on, when he seeks to have her condemned for lewd behavior, she produces the pledge.
With the ערבון eravon, the pledge, Tamar teaches Yehudah about ערבות areivut, interdependence. We are interconnected and you are responsible for your actions, she is teaching him.
Years later, Judah realizes that he must bring Benjamin down to see Joseph. How does he convince his father to let him take Benjamin down?
Echoing the same word, he says, אנכי אערבנו anochi e’ervenu. I’m his pledge. We will both come back.
Tamar and Judah teach us Jews the lesson of areivut, accountability, interdependence.
The author Mitch Albom wrote Tuesdays With Morrie about his relationship with Professor Morrie Schwartz. Morrie suffered from ALS, a debilitating disease, and toward the end of his life Morrie needed help to perform the most basic functions.
At one point Morrie says the following to Mitch:
“In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here’s the secret: in between, we need others as well.”
As 5780 begins, I say to us:
Lover to lover, we need each other. Parent to child and child to parent, we need each other. Navigating complex national and international realities, we need each other. Protecting our people from attacks no matter the source, no matter the victim, we need each other. Protecting one another across the globe, we need each other.
We are ערבים זה בזה areivim zeh bazeh. Interdependent. We need each other. We can’t avoid it.
So let’s not deny it.
Let’s use it to make life better for everyone.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on Rosh Hashanah 5780
A few years ago I was sitting with a group of parents in our religious school and I asked, what qualities do you want to instill in your children? I made a list. The qualities included hard work, honesty, compassion. One quality that rose to the top of the list is independence. Parents unanimously said they want their children to become independent.
Independence is an important quality, obviously.
However. We also understand, when we reflect honestly, that none of us is fully independent. We rely on others all the time, for all kinds of reasons.
Looking back at our tradition, I had trouble finding references to independence. In fact, I’m not sure I could identify a Biblical or rabbinic word that quite conveys the concept. עצמאות atzma’ut, the modern Hebrew word for independence, does not seem to go too far back.
What you do have going way back in our tradition is ערבות areivut, which is interdependence. Areivut is the notion that we are responsible for each other, we need each other. We give and we get.
As a New Year begins, following a year in which we often have felt polarized and pulled apart from one another, I want us to consider several of the ways in which we are interdependent.
Let’s start with the exciting world of romantic dating. I want you to imagine that you’re coming up with a profile for yourself for a dating app.
How does this sound for a profile? I’m so-and-so. I’m not good at keeping track of my finances and I need someone to help with that. I’m not good at matching my outfits and I need someone to tell me, “Don’t leave the house wearing that!” I occasionally suffer from low self-esteem and need someone to help me regain self-confidence. I have family members that are high maintenance and need someone who will be patient with them. I can be cheap and need someone to convince me to splurge from time to time.
You probably wouldn’t say all of that in your profile, instead you would likely talk about all the marvelous qualities you possess and the gifts of heart and soul that you will bring to the other person, and of course that makes sense.
However, in a loving, committed relationship, both people know that they are areivim ze bazeh, that they are interdependent. We know that we need each other. We know that we give and we get.
I wonder - is there a way for us to acknowledge early on, as we get to know each other, not just what we bring, but what we need, without scaring away the other person?
This isn’t just true of romantic partnerships. It’s true of all of our significant relationships. Parents and children dance a dance of interdependence throughout their shared lives.
For most of my mother’s life, she gave and gave to all of us. She was a bundle of giving energy. Toward the end of her life she needed a great deal of care.
I was with her once after she had back surgery. Her body and short-term memory were declining, though she still had longterm memory and her sense of humor. I said, “Mom, I hope the scar that you got from the surgery will heal quickly.” She said, “It will be fine eventually. The scar you gave me when you were born healed after 30 years.”
Why not own that arevut, interdependence, is a part of life? It’s how we are constituted. Lover to lover, parent to child, siblings, friends, we need each other. We give and we get. Sometimes the proportions change - we give more, we get more - but we are fundamentally interdependent.
Moving on. Much has been written about the ideological and political polarization in our country and it is surely an issue within the Jewish community. The right vilifies the left and the left vilifies the right.
We forget sometimes that we are interdependent - and by this, I don’t just mean we have to live with each other. We see each other at the supermarket, we see each other at the kiddush following services. As in, there’s that socialist standing between me and the lox. Or, there’s that fascist standing between me and the lox. How can I get to the lox without having to talk to him or her?
By interdependent, I also mean that we need each other because no group has a monopoly on truth or wisdom and we all benefit if we are in genuine conversation with each other and if we challenge each other thoughtfully, rather than ignoring each other or yelling at each other or simply waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can tell them why we’re right and they’re wrong.
It would help us to challenge one another from the right and the left to find workable, humane economic models and workable, humane approaches to immigration.
Exchanges like this seldom happen on social media, but they can happen in synagogues, where people of different ideological and political perspectives are in the same spaces at the same time.
Just about every Shabbat, I spend time at the kiddush chatting and joking with a group of people some of whose views differ from mine. Generally they hand me a cup of whiskey, they wait for me to drink a little, and then someone says, here’s what I didn’t like about the sermon you gave this morning. I don’t change my views too much, certainly not regarding issues that I believe are ethical imperatives, and they don’t change their views too much, but there have been moments when we have each said to the other, gee you have a point.
I’m not suggesting that we hide or dilute our basic leanings, especially on matters of principle. I don’t hide mine, you shouldn’t hide yours. I am suggesting that we try not to vilify each other and that we be open to the thoughtful challenges that others pose.
Jews should be especially wary of comments or actions that seek to divide us, comments or actions that seek to harm or demean us or anyone else.
Jews also need to understand that antisemitic acts against any of us are an attack against all of us. When Jews were gunned down in a Conservative service in Pittsburgh, it was an affront to the entire Jewish community; same when a Chabad rabbi and his congregants were shot, some killed, in Poway, CA, same when Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox Jews are attacked in Brooklyn. The people doing the attacking believe that a Jew is Jew. Why is that often so hard for us to recognize? We shouldn’t just get upset and respond when “our kind of Jew is attacked,” whatever that even means.
Jews are areivim ze ba zeh - we are interdependent. We need each other and are responsible for each other.
Moving on. We are interdependent with everyone else on this planet. My grandfather left Tiraspol in Russia as a teenager and came to the United States, partly to escape violence, partly to seek opportunity. His story is not so different from the stories of people trying to leave Central America or Asia or the Middle East to escape violence AND seek opportunity. His story, MY story therefore, is interconnected with the stories of all of these people.
When seas rise on the other side of the world, they send ripple effects that impact communities near and far. As seas continue to rise we will have more refugees, not fewer. Knowing our interdependence, our interconnection, how will we treat them? How will we respond to the growing vulnerability that people will experience across the globe?
Where does the Jewish sense of interdependence come from? The Hebrew word for Jew is Yehudi. Which traces back to Yehudah, Judah, the fourth child of Jacob and Leah.
Judah taught us all the lesson of interdependence and he learned it from his daughter-in-law, Tamar.
For the full story see Genesis 38 (better than any soap opera), but here is a summary of the relevant parts:
Judah finishes mourning for his wife, goes to shear his sheep, and meets up with a prostitute who is actually his daughter-in-law, Tamar, in disguise, wanting to sleep with him so that she can have children with him to maintain lineage. Before she agrees to sleep with him, she asks for an ערבון eravon, a pledge. She becomes pregnant with his children (twins). Later on, when he seeks to have her condemned for lewd behavior, she produces the pledge.
With the ערבון eravon, the pledge, Tamar teaches Yehudah about ערבות areivut, interdependence. We are interconnected and you are responsible for your actions, she is teaching him.
Years later, Judah realizes that he must bring Benjamin down to see Joseph. How does he convince his father to let him take Benjamin down?
Echoing the same word, he says, אנכי אערבנו anochi e’ervenu. I’m his pledge. We will both come back.
Tamar and Judah teach us Jews the lesson of areivut, accountability, interdependence.
The author Mitch Albom wrote Tuesdays With Morrie about his relationship with Professor Morrie Schwartz. Morrie suffered from ALS, a debilitating disease, and toward the end of his life Morrie needed help to perform the most basic functions.
At one point Morrie says the following to Mitch:
“In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here’s the secret: in between, we need others as well.”
As 5780 begins, I say to us:
Lover to lover, we need each other. Parent to child and child to parent, we need each other. Navigating complex national and international realities, we need each other. Protecting our people from attacks no matter the source, no matter the victim, we need each other. Protecting one another across the globe, we need each other.
We are ערבים זה בזה areivim zeh bazeh. Interdependent. We need each other. We can’t avoid it.
So let’s not deny it.
Let’s use it to make life better for everyone.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on Rosh Hashanah 5780
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