What to Do With Our Resentments

We attended our son’s graduation earlier this week and there were many nice moments and some funny ones.  

De and I at one point were headed to a night-time program and we found ourselves surrounded by a group of students all walking to the same place.  

This was the second day of a three-day graduation and families of course had been gathered from all over to celebrate and to spend what my friend likes to call “quantity time” together.

One student turned to the other and asked, so how dysfunctional was YOUR family today?  

And then they proceeded to share stories.

At which point I thought – what if Zach were part of that conversation?  What, if anything, would he have to add?  And then I decided to stop thinking about that. 

At the end of our Torah portion Miriam and Aaron gang up on their little brother, Moses.  They criticize his choice of a spouse.  

And then they express their resentment at the preferential treatment that God gives him.  

הרק אך-במשה דבר ה׳ הלא גם בנו דבר Ha’akh rak b’moshe diber adonai halo gam banu diber – Did God just speak to Moses? Didn’t God also speak to us?

It is quite common for members of a family, specifically but not exclusively siblings, to resent one another.  

I thought it might be interesting to reflect a bit on how resentment works in a family and then to apply that to the Jewish community. After all, according to Adin Steinsalz, Jews are more than a religion, more than a people even – Jews are family.  

I promise this will end up being uplifting.

First a few words about individual families.

I’ve shared this before but I think it bears repeating.  A well-known psychologist was asked the question, once you have a child, how long should you wait to have the next child if you want to avoid sibling resentment?

And the psychologist said, “21 years.”

Resentment comes from many sources.  You’re sharing the same resources, competing for love and attention from the same people, you recognize that the other person has certain abilities that you might not have or has been treated in a way that you think is preferential.

Miriam and Aaron were likely feeling like they were playing second and third fiddle to Moses.  It doesn’t help that God validates their feelings by telling them, “of course I’m closer to Moses than I am to you” and then goes on to punish Miriam.   

I’m going to leave aside the role parents play in dealing with sibling resentment and invite us to think from the perspective of the children, the siblings.

What can we do with our resentment?  This one is more gifted, or that one got lucky, or you were mom and dad’s favorite.  

To what extent can we look at a sibling’s gifts and say, “I’m happy for him or her.”  Or “I can actually learn something from him or her.”

To what extent can we get past our perception of how our parents treated this one or that one and realize that we need to chill out a little bit, possibly come to terms with how our parents treated us, not allow the resentment to weigh us down?

At a certain point we bear responsibility for ourselves.  If we allow the resentments of childhood to fester into adulthood, we are the ones who suffer.

I am continually struck by the extent to which different segments of the Jewish community resent one another.  Across the ideological spectrum there is resentment.  This one is so observant, so high and mighty – why does he look down on me?  Or this one is so unobservant, so disconnected, how come she never shows up for services, how come he thinks that the synagogue he doesn’t support any more will magically be around for him when he needs it?

I read about a community center in another part of the country that serves the entire Jewish spectrum – they’re undergoing renovations.  Turns out every group thinks that the renovations that are being done are more beneficial to the other groups than to their group.  Every group thinks that the other groups are driving the agenda.

Some of the feelings we have toward other Jews are substantiated by real things that were said and done.  But sometimes they are not.  I know from my own experience that sometimes I walk into a situation all loaded up, ready to feel resentful, ready to feel put upon.  And the other person is completely open, generous, delightful.  At first I’m disappointed.  I wanted to feel righteous.  But then, if I allow myself, I feel grateful.

To the extent that we can deal directly, civilly, with actual offenses.

To the extent that we can learn from others within the Jewish community who practice differently.

To the extent that we can enter situations and conversations with an open mind and heart, not fully loaded.

We bear responsibility for ourselves.  And we have the potential to impact others in a positive way.

Imagine if we in the Jewish community would take a few deep breaths before we allow our resentments to rule over us, rather than the other way around.

The end of the story of Miriam, Aaron and Moses is poignant.  Miriam is struck with some skin ailment.  Aaron turns to Moses and says, do something.  Moses says, אל נא רפא נא לה el na refa na la  Please God, heal her.

At the end of the day, for each of us, the powerful existential bonds that we share as family often transcend our resentment.  Miriam, you will recall, saved Moses’s life when he was a baby.  And now the situation was reversed.  Sure, she said some unpleasant things.  But a sister is a sister.  And now she needed Moses, just as Moses once needed her.  She didn’t disappoint, and neither does he.

Dear God, metaphorical parent of us all: 

You have created each of us with unique gifts.  Sometimes it seems that you gave her more than you gave him, him more than you gave me.  We are bound to resent one another for all kinds of reasons.  

Encourage us to acknowledge our resentment before it consumes us.  

Encourage us to appreciate what we’ve each been given and to appreciate what others have been given.

Remind us, in good times and also in bad, that we need each other.  

נפשו קשורה בנפשו Nafsho k’shura b’nafsho – one soul, connected to another.  Annoying at times, worthy of our resentment at times.  But for the most part, who would want it any other way?

Shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on June 10, 2017