A common question at job interviews is, How do you handle criticism?
Possibly if we’re asked the question, we say something like, "Of course it's not easy to hear criticism, but I try to consider it carefully and to take a close look at what I can be doing better."
But the truth is that most of us hate to be criticized. We get defensive. We get offensive.
Our humble leader Moses was criticized all the time. Poor fellow – he was criticized for a doing a job that he didn't even want. God said, "Go tell Pharoah to let the people go" and Moses basically said, find someone else.
So I was thinking, Why not look at how he handles criticism and see what we can learn?
Moses was criticized by the rank and file of the people. He was criticized by his brother and sister.
He’s criticized by a leader named Korach, who we can describe for now as a Levite with issues.
Korach tells Moses and Aaron – everyone is holy, not just you – and then asks, "so why do you raise yourself above everyone else?"
The Torah tells us – וישמע משה ויפול על פניו vayishma Moshe vayipol al panav.
Moses heard Korach's comment and fell on his face.
What might that mean? Rabbi Schweber raised the question last week and I'll get back to it. Why did Moses fall on his face? What was he doing down there?
Back to us. When people criticize us, it can be devastating. I'm going to generalize and say that when we're younger, when we're establishing ourselves, we tend to take other people's criticism too seriously.
My friend said this, my boyfriend or girlfriend said that, my boss thinks I'm incompetent. We tend to disintegrate into an extended Wayne's World posture of "I'm not worthy."
Makes sense. We're figuring ourselves out, often unsure of our strengths and weaknesses, often not yet sufficiently confident in what we bring to the world.
As we get older, we tend to gain more confidence, to have a better sense of how to handle situations. But we then run the risk of the opposite tendency, which is not to take other people's criticism seriously enough.
I've been in this field for years. What does that person know? Why should I listen to him or her?
God knows there are multiple variations on these postures – sometimes young people are cocky and aging brings its own insecurities – but they are both problematic.
Falling apart when we are criticized and ignoring criticism altogether are equally unhealthy.
So what might we do? Here are a few thoughts.
First, we consider the source. Some people criticize because they care about us. They want us to be the best we can be. Judaism encourages us to criticize one another and to do so lovingly.
But what if the person criticizing isn't doing it in a loving way? What if we suspect that the person is coming from a place of anger, competition, mean-spiritedness?
Borrowing from a Talmudic passage regarding hearing testimony from witnesses, I would argue that we need to think about what the person said nevertheless, to see אם יש ממש בדבריו im yesh mamash bid'varav – to see if there is validity in what was said.
Second, we can cross-check with people we know care about us. I know that's a risk to our caring relationships. We go home after we've been raked over the coals and say, to a sibling, or a spouse, or a friend, Here's what someone said about me today.
What do think - do you think I'm a little aggressive? Or wimpy? Or tone-deaf? Or hyper-sensitive?
There are so many ways that can end badly, but if the other person cares about us, and we care about them, and we set the right ground rules, then it can provide additional helpful information as we consider the critical comments made by people whose motives we may suspect.
Third, we can engage in חשבון הנפש heshbon hanefesh, soul-searching, considering comments made to us by a variety of people close to us or not, concerned with us or not, motivated by a desire to help or not or maybe by people whose concern and motivation are unknown to us.
But in the end, we are the warehouse for those comments, we have to sift them through the parameters of our own souls, we have to determine what fits and what doesn't.
It's not easy to find the right balance between taking criticism too seriously and not taking it seriously enough.
So let's get back to Moses. He's been lying on his face all this time. Why did he fall in his face anyway?
Our traditional commentators had different opinions. Rashi said he was dejected by all of the rebellion and criticsm. He just kind of collapsed.
Totally understood. I mean, who wouldn’t be tempted to just collapse from all of the critique, all of the aggravation? But I want to consider a different possibility. Ibn Ezra said Moses may have had a moment of prophecy; Rashbam said he was praying. These two scholars imagine that Moses took a moment to reflect.
I want to suggest that perhaps Moses took a moment to think about the criticism – what was valid, what was not valid, what did he need to do in the moment, what did he need to do beyond the moment, how to lead without dominating, how to recognize everyone’s humanity without abdicating his own authority.
What might this response teach us?
When others criticize us it's understandable to want to ignore it completely, especially if we suspect the motives of our critics. It's also understandable to want to fall on our faces in total despair, as though the criticism validates the worst feelings we may have about ourselves.
Moses's response, as understood by certain scholars, suggest a third path. We take a minute to think, to reflect, to ask, to wonder – what can I learn from what's been said?
Maybe I will accept it, or reject it, or accept it in part.
I'll leave us with a quotation by author Elbert Hubbard.
Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing and you'll never be criticized.
Who wants that? And it's probably not even true...
Better to do, say and be with appropriate consideration of what others have to say. If we’re fortunate, we will at least have moments when we’re doing well enough in God’s eyes, in humanity’s, and in our own.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on June 24, 2017.
Possibly if we’re asked the question, we say something like, "Of course it's not easy to hear criticism, but I try to consider it carefully and to take a close look at what I can be doing better."
But the truth is that most of us hate to be criticized. We get defensive. We get offensive.
So I was thinking, Why not look at how he handles criticism and see what we can learn?
Moses was criticized by the rank and file of the people. He was criticized by his brother and sister.
He’s criticized by a leader named Korach, who we can describe for now as a Levite with issues.
Korach tells Moses and Aaron – everyone is holy, not just you – and then asks, "so why do you raise yourself above everyone else?"
The Torah tells us – וישמע משה ויפול על פניו vayishma Moshe vayipol al panav.
Moses heard Korach's comment and fell on his face.
What might that mean? Rabbi Schweber raised the question last week and I'll get back to it. Why did Moses fall on his face? What was he doing down there?
Back to us. When people criticize us, it can be devastating. I'm going to generalize and say that when we're younger, when we're establishing ourselves, we tend to take other people's criticism too seriously.
My friend said this, my boyfriend or girlfriend said that, my boss thinks I'm incompetent. We tend to disintegrate into an extended Wayne's World posture of "I'm not worthy."
Makes sense. We're figuring ourselves out, often unsure of our strengths and weaknesses, often not yet sufficiently confident in what we bring to the world.
As we get older, we tend to gain more confidence, to have a better sense of how to handle situations. But we then run the risk of the opposite tendency, which is not to take other people's criticism seriously enough.
I've been in this field for years. What does that person know? Why should I listen to him or her?
God knows there are multiple variations on these postures – sometimes young people are cocky and aging brings its own insecurities – but they are both problematic.
Falling apart when we are criticized and ignoring criticism altogether are equally unhealthy.
So what might we do? Here are a few thoughts.
First, we consider the source. Some people criticize because they care about us. They want us to be the best we can be. Judaism encourages us to criticize one another and to do so lovingly.
But what if the person criticizing isn't doing it in a loving way? What if we suspect that the person is coming from a place of anger, competition, mean-spiritedness?
Borrowing from a Talmudic passage regarding hearing testimony from witnesses, I would argue that we need to think about what the person said nevertheless, to see אם יש ממש בדבריו im yesh mamash bid'varav – to see if there is validity in what was said.
Second, we can cross-check with people we know care about us. I know that's a risk to our caring relationships. We go home after we've been raked over the coals and say, to a sibling, or a spouse, or a friend, Here's what someone said about me today.
What do think - do you think I'm a little aggressive? Or wimpy? Or tone-deaf? Or hyper-sensitive?
There are so many ways that can end badly, but if the other person cares about us, and we care about them, and we set the right ground rules, then it can provide additional helpful information as we consider the critical comments made by people whose motives we may suspect.
Third, we can engage in חשבון הנפש heshbon hanefesh, soul-searching, considering comments made to us by a variety of people close to us or not, concerned with us or not, motivated by a desire to help or not or maybe by people whose concern and motivation are unknown to us.
But in the end, we are the warehouse for those comments, we have to sift them through the parameters of our own souls, we have to determine what fits and what doesn't.
It's not easy to find the right balance between taking criticism too seriously and not taking it seriously enough.
So let's get back to Moses. He's been lying on his face all this time. Why did he fall in his face anyway?
Our traditional commentators had different opinions. Rashi said he was dejected by all of the rebellion and criticsm. He just kind of collapsed.
Totally understood. I mean, who wouldn’t be tempted to just collapse from all of the critique, all of the aggravation? But I want to consider a different possibility. Ibn Ezra said Moses may have had a moment of prophecy; Rashbam said he was praying. These two scholars imagine that Moses took a moment to reflect.
I want to suggest that perhaps Moses took a moment to think about the criticism – what was valid, what was not valid, what did he need to do in the moment, what did he need to do beyond the moment, how to lead without dominating, how to recognize everyone’s humanity without abdicating his own authority.
What might this response teach us?
When others criticize us it's understandable to want to ignore it completely, especially if we suspect the motives of our critics. It's also understandable to want to fall on our faces in total despair, as though the criticism validates the worst feelings we may have about ourselves.
Moses's response, as understood by certain scholars, suggest a third path. We take a minute to think, to reflect, to ask, to wonder – what can I learn from what's been said?
Maybe I will accept it, or reject it, or accept it in part.
I'll leave us with a quotation by author Elbert Hubbard.
Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing and you'll never be criticized.
Who wants that? And it's probably not even true...
Better to do, say and be with appropriate consideration of what others have to say. If we’re fortunate, we will at least have moments when we’re doing well enough in God’s eyes, in humanity’s, and in our own.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on June 24, 2017.
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