When it comes to confronting deep-seated, challenging, multi-generational baggage, it helps to take small, thoughtful steps. How might this look in families and what it might mean for the recent announcement about Jerusalem?
First, families. I highly recommend a TV show about genealogy called Finding Your Roots. The host, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., interviews several well-known people and presents them with research about their ancestors, often going back more than 10 generations. The research includes ship records, census records and DNA.
The show is often fascinating. It raises issues of race, ethnicity and socio-economics. It raises questions about inherited traits, including personality. Often the research reveals family secrets that were hidden for generations.
The most recent episode featured the actor Gaby Hoffman, who starred in the Amazon TV series Transparent.
Gaby Hoffman was raised by her mother in the Chelsea Hotel in Manhattan. Her father left when she was a young child.
Hoffman saw her father occasionally as a preteen and teenager. She generally found him distant, formal and a bit angry.
The episode focused on her father’s side of the family going way back generations.
Hoffman wondered - why the anger? Why the distance?
His father, it turns out - her grandfather - was angry and even abusive. Hoffman said that she and her sister always wondered if there was some reason why these two generations of men were so angry and what situations might have occurred in previous generations.
As the research was revealed to her by the host, she discovered that one of her great-grandfathers was raised by a different man than his biological father.
Hoffman’s comment when she discovered this was telling. She said, I'm paraphrasing, all this stuff somehow lasts a lot of generations. The animosity, the anger, the secrecy - it has a conscious and subconscious effect that lasts.
Painful emotional realities often last from one generation to the next. Mistrustful, hostile relationships get replayed over and over with different actors from one generation to another. They don’t magically disappear.
Unless - says the rabbi channeling his inner Lorax - unless courageous, pragmatic, thoughtful steps are taken.
Joseph, as we read this morning, was his father’s favorite child. His brothers hated him for that and it didn’t help that he told them about his dreams which signify that they will be bowing down to him.
What we have here is a variation on a theme of sibling rivalry and hostility that has existed in each generation. Cain and Abel, Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau.
The Torah describes reconciliation between Jacob and Esau, though subsequent history reveals hostility between their descendants.
Judah, the fourth son of Jacob and Leah, whom Leah named to express her gratitude to God, takes individual steps to move from hostility to coexistence.
Step 1 - very pragmatic. What do we gain, he asks his brothers, by killing Joseph? Let’s sell him instead. Judah may have seen that his brothers were not going to change their minds about harming Joseph - they were quite angry. His approach is pragmatic. He appeals to their self-interest. Let’s at least make a few shekels.
Gradually, as Judah’s moral development takes place, as he learns responsibility and accountability, his interventions become more principled.
He is the one who, in the end, will approach Joseph to make a genuine reconciliation possible. And he will succeed in helping to actually change attitudes. His moves, and Joseph’s moves, enable the family to transition from hostility to embrace. But not all at once - one step at a time.
And now a word about Jerusalem. On Thursday I listened to an analysis of President Trump's statement about Jerusalem that I found very helpful. The analysis was provided by David Makovsky, fellow at the Washington Institute, former executive editor of the Jerusalem Post, adjunct professor at Johns Hopkins University, involved in multiple negotiations with Israelis and Palestinians.
Makovsky said that President Trump’s announcement corrects an historical anomaly, namely that Israel is the only country that says “this is our capital” and other countries don’t recognize it as such. France says, Paris is our capital and the world says ok. No country that I’m aware of has said, you may think Paris is your capital but we’ll set up our embassy in St. Tropez.
Correcting that injustice is important. Jerusalem is Israel’s capital, Israel has said for decades since 1948 and millennia before that, and when the United States says, officially, that this is the case, it is treating Israel the way that every sovereign country is treated.
Makofsky went on to say that this announcement must be part of a thorough commitment to negotiating toward a two-state solution. Whether that happens or not, and what role the announcement plays in that, only history will tell.
He urged two things, however. One - that the US government continue to confirm what the president said, namely that the announcement does not predetermine the final status of any future agreement.
And two. Instead of aiming for a home run, all parties interested in a settlement should just try to get on base.
That means, taking smaller steps to address the fear and distrust that both sides have. He suggested, for example, that Israeli leadership agrees not to build across the security fence and that Palestinians stop paying financial rewards to terrorists.
Only God knows if any of that will work. What we do know is that the greatest successes that have been achieved in addressing this conflict have been local efforts, smaller steps taken one at a time. Israeli/Arab schools like the Hand in Hand schools whose students get to now each other as human human beings. Israelis and Palestinians whose children were killed in the conflict joining together to say “enough is enough” and to advocate for small steps forward.
As Gaby Hoffman noted on the recent TV show I began with. As Judah recognized in ancient times. As we all see in our families, our communities, and on the national and international stages. Pathology lasts for generations. Anger lasts for generations. Distrust lasts for generations.
The best chance of shifting these dynamics comes from small steps that are practical, that allow for some trust to be established, that set the stage for the larger changes to occur.
Abraham and Sarah were told to leave the land where they were living and to start walking toward the land that God would show them. One ancient rabbi said that God didn’t share the final destination because God wanted to give them credit פסיעה אחר פסיעה p’siya ahar p’siya. For each step that they took, not knowing exactly where or how things would end up.
To each person, with or without an official role, in the awesome town of Great Neck or the holy city of Jerusalem, who takes a single step to try to address generations of pain - we say חזק ואמץ hazak v'ematz. Be strong and resolute. You. We. Are following in the footsteps of Abraham and Sarah. Addressing challenges that go back generations. One step at a time.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on December 9, 2017
Parents and children from "Hand in Hand" Center of Jewish-Arab Education in Israel
First, families. I highly recommend a TV show about genealogy called Finding Your Roots. The host, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., interviews several well-known people and presents them with research about their ancestors, often going back more than 10 generations. The research includes ship records, census records and DNA.
The show is often fascinating. It raises issues of race, ethnicity and socio-economics. It raises questions about inherited traits, including personality. Often the research reveals family secrets that were hidden for generations.
The most recent episode featured the actor Gaby Hoffman, who starred in the Amazon TV series Transparent.
Gaby Hoffman was raised by her mother in the Chelsea Hotel in Manhattan. Her father left when she was a young child.
Hoffman saw her father occasionally as a preteen and teenager. She generally found him distant, formal and a bit angry.
The episode focused on her father’s side of the family going way back generations.
Hoffman wondered - why the anger? Why the distance?
His father, it turns out - her grandfather - was angry and even abusive. Hoffman said that she and her sister always wondered if there was some reason why these two generations of men were so angry and what situations might have occurred in previous generations.
As the research was revealed to her by the host, she discovered that one of her great-grandfathers was raised by a different man than his biological father.
Hoffman’s comment when she discovered this was telling. She said, I'm paraphrasing, all this stuff somehow lasts a lot of generations. The animosity, the anger, the secrecy - it has a conscious and subconscious effect that lasts.
Painful emotional realities often last from one generation to the next. Mistrustful, hostile relationships get replayed over and over with different actors from one generation to another. They don’t magically disappear.
Unless - says the rabbi channeling his inner Lorax - unless courageous, pragmatic, thoughtful steps are taken.
Joseph, as we read this morning, was his father’s favorite child. His brothers hated him for that and it didn’t help that he told them about his dreams which signify that they will be bowing down to him.
What we have here is a variation on a theme of sibling rivalry and hostility that has existed in each generation. Cain and Abel, Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau.
The Torah describes reconciliation between Jacob and Esau, though subsequent history reveals hostility between their descendants.
Judah, the fourth son of Jacob and Leah, whom Leah named to express her gratitude to God, takes individual steps to move from hostility to coexistence.
Step 1 - very pragmatic. What do we gain, he asks his brothers, by killing Joseph? Let’s sell him instead. Judah may have seen that his brothers were not going to change their minds about harming Joseph - they were quite angry. His approach is pragmatic. He appeals to their self-interest. Let’s at least make a few shekels.
Gradually, as Judah’s moral development takes place, as he learns responsibility and accountability, his interventions become more principled.
He is the one who, in the end, will approach Joseph to make a genuine reconciliation possible. And he will succeed in helping to actually change attitudes. His moves, and Joseph’s moves, enable the family to transition from hostility to embrace. But not all at once - one step at a time.
And now a word about Jerusalem. On Thursday I listened to an analysis of President Trump's statement about Jerusalem that I found very helpful. The analysis was provided by David Makovsky, fellow at the Washington Institute, former executive editor of the Jerusalem Post, adjunct professor at Johns Hopkins University, involved in multiple negotiations with Israelis and Palestinians.
Makovsky said that President Trump’s announcement corrects an historical anomaly, namely that Israel is the only country that says “this is our capital” and other countries don’t recognize it as such. France says, Paris is our capital and the world says ok. No country that I’m aware of has said, you may think Paris is your capital but we’ll set up our embassy in St. Tropez.
Correcting that injustice is important. Jerusalem is Israel’s capital, Israel has said for decades since 1948 and millennia before that, and when the United States says, officially, that this is the case, it is treating Israel the way that every sovereign country is treated.
Makofsky went on to say that this announcement must be part of a thorough commitment to negotiating toward a two-state solution. Whether that happens or not, and what role the announcement plays in that, only history will tell.
He urged two things, however. One - that the US government continue to confirm what the president said, namely that the announcement does not predetermine the final status of any future agreement.
And two. Instead of aiming for a home run, all parties interested in a settlement should just try to get on base.
That means, taking smaller steps to address the fear and distrust that both sides have. He suggested, for example, that Israeli leadership agrees not to build across the security fence and that Palestinians stop paying financial rewards to terrorists.
Only God knows if any of that will work. What we do know is that the greatest successes that have been achieved in addressing this conflict have been local efforts, smaller steps taken one at a time. Israeli/Arab schools like the Hand in Hand schools whose students get to now each other as human human beings. Israelis and Palestinians whose children were killed in the conflict joining together to say “enough is enough” and to advocate for small steps forward.
As Gaby Hoffman noted on the recent TV show I began with. As Judah recognized in ancient times. As we all see in our families, our communities, and on the national and international stages. Pathology lasts for generations. Anger lasts for generations. Distrust lasts for generations.
The best chance of shifting these dynamics comes from small steps that are practical, that allow for some trust to be established, that set the stage for the larger changes to occur.
Abraham and Sarah were told to leave the land where they were living and to start walking toward the land that God would show them. One ancient rabbi said that God didn’t share the final destination because God wanted to give them credit פסיעה אחר פסיעה p’siya ahar p’siya. For each step that they took, not knowing exactly where or how things would end up.
To each person, with or without an official role, in the awesome town of Great Neck or the holy city of Jerusalem, who takes a single step to try to address generations of pain - we say חזק ואמץ hazak v'ematz. Be strong and resolute. You. We. Are following in the footsteps of Abraham and Sarah. Addressing challenges that go back generations. One step at a time.
Originally shared with the Temple Israel of Great Neck community on December 9, 2017
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